Helpless

OK, so I have been a teacher at The King's Christian School, my alma mater, for going on six years now, three years teaching 5th grade, one year teaching both 5th grade and high school and now in my 2nd year teaching only high school.  For a variety of reasons, mostly that I had not felt I was making any impact on the students at all, during last school year I had resolved to not come back for this year.  I had done the research and had even filled out the application for Denver Seminary.  But for some reason, it just didn't feel right. 

So I asked God to let me make a difference.  I needed to be broken and realize that I really did care about my students, not just as young scholars, but to truly care about them.  What I did not anticipate was how unbelievably painful and hard this would be.  I have had to be open to hearing some things that are just hard to listen to, to open myself honestly about the stupidity of my past and to just listen.  What was most difficult was just not having many answers for these young men and women.  Now, here is what is so frustrating. I am a fixer.  Give me a problem and I'll give you a solution, maybe even one that works. But most times I am impotent to help at all.  And this week I realized something important, something transformative, something downright humbling.

I am helpless.  Helpless.  And in this I realized that God was waiting for me to realize this.  Helpless to fix each and every problem.  Helpless to say the right thing.  Helpless.  I realize now that in doing all I could to solve these problems I was pushing God away and inserting myself.  It was conceit and idolatry.  God wants me to embrace my helplessness so that his grace could come through.

So here I am, helpless.  I have resolved to meet God right here, where my helplessness meets His grace.  I think this is where He wants me.  I am scared, petrified, anxious.  But I am excited to see God's power at work.  

Please God, work through the messed up creature that is me and bring healing to these hurting kids.  I am helpless before You and pray that You meet me here.  I stand aside and ask that You take control.